Secrets: PT2

Secrets are Made to be Spilled

Raivis side

.001

Raivis pulls on his winter boots with a sigh, looks to his overnight bag and realizes that he won't be needing it.  Again.  At this rate, he won't need it again until he graduates.  

"Almost ready Rai?"  Toris asks, popping into the breezeway.  Raivis lets out another sigh and nods.  Really, it's not that he doesn't love his cousin and like spending time with him, it's just… He sort of misses those weekends he and Ivan spent alone.

Toris has never been particularly oblivious, so Raivis' dull mood does not go unnoticed.  Neither does the reason for it.  

"Um, Raivis… Is there a reason why I'm always invited to spend the evening with you two?  Not that I don't like Ivan, but well, Feliks is getting a bit annoyed with it and I don't really see a reason for it…"

"It's because he doesn't, doesn't trust himself alone with me," Raivis grumbles out, deciding to cut out the reason why Ivan feels that way.  This behavior will seem warranted if he does.  

"Oh.  Um… I take it you don't think he needs to worry?"

"Right."

"Then... I'll talk about it with him for you…?"   Toris says, sounding questioning.  Raivis cheers up a bit at the thought.  

"Please."

.002

Last weekend, when Raivis heard that Ivan didn't have Christmas decorations, he'd brought the older man out shopping (three cities away, where they were sure no one they knew would be, and with Toris so that if they did see anyone, it could be passed off as a family outing).  

This weekend, they're putting up said decorations.  They've already attacked the interior of the apartment with tinsel and all manner of hanging decorations, and now they're taking on the Christmas tree.   This is actually the second tree he's helped decorate this year, but this is more special than helping Toris with the family tree.  It is Raivis helping Ivan decorate his apartment for their first Christmas together.  

Ivan is humming "Silent Night" while Raivis hangs up a shining red bulb on one of the lower branches, and the lights give off a soft glow while the television plays "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and the generally festive atmosphere makes Raivis feel warm from the inside out.  

"Little Raivis…" Ivan stops humming in favor of addressing him.

"Hm?"  Raivis looks up questioningly.

"I, uh, if it's not too personal to ask… Why do you always shake, even when you aren't nervous?"  

Raivis is caught off-guard by the question; why would Ivan ask that right now?  He follows Ivan's line of vision to his hands and realizes then that they are still shaking.  He stares hard at them for a moment, wondering, not for the first time, if he could make them stop from sheer force of will alone.  

When they did not, he sighed.  Well, the question was bound to come up sometime anyway, so he might as well answer it now.

"Wh-when I was li-little, I was sick a-a-a lot.  I need, needed a lot of medi-medications… And when, when I stopped taking them, I-I started shaking… I started dr-drinking regularly when I real, realized it calmed me down and, and stopped the shaking… But, but it always comes back worse when I'm not… "

Raivis understands that having been a sick kid who needed medicine isn't really anything to be ashamed of, but he is nonetheless.  It's something he's sure he accept more with time, but for now not even Ivan's apology can get him to stop staring at his hands, willing them to stop shaking.  

.003

"Would you like to put the star on top?" Raivis is somewhat tempted to chuck the ornament in his hand at Ivan when he asks that.  The tree, fake as it is, still clears six feet easily and Raivis is, well, having troubles getting far beyond five.      

"I'm too short," Raivis says, giving Ivan an "if that was your attempt at humor, it failed" look.  Once he's sure the full effect of the look has been felt, he turns back to the tree.  He concentrates too hard on finding a free branch to put the last of the ornaments on, and misses it when Ivan moves away from the tree.  

It's just as he's finally found a place for that last ornament that Ivan says, "Not for long, little Raivis," slips the star into his hand, and lifts him up high enough to look down on the top of the tree.  For a minute, he's struck motionless by just how sweet the gesture is.  Ivan is so, so good at doing things that make him feel a thousand feet tall (figuratively; literally it's closer to eight).

Feeling so warm and happy he could burst, Riavis puts the tree up on the highest branch.  He's already smiling like a fool when he comes back to the ground, but seeing Ivan's expression mirroring his own makes him smile that much more.  

"I-Ivan," he says, determined to not sound as embarrassed as he feels asking this.

"Yes?"

"L-lift me up again?"  'Don't ask why, don't ask why.'

"Why?"  'We need to work on our telepathy.'

"I can't kiss you from down here."

They're connected at the lips before he can even blink.

.004

"Bleh, why do adults like this stuff?"  Peter asks, scrutinizing the bottle of vodka he has in hand.  Raivis considers taking it away from him, but realizes from the way Peter is holding it at arm's length that the burn of the alcohol has done his job for him.

"I couldn't say," Raivis says, decides that taking a swig right after saying that would be a pretty dumb idea.  

"Then why do you like it?"  Peter's giving Raivis a look like it's somehow unfair that he likes alcohol when Peter doesn't.  

"Ah…"  Raivis doesn't know how to answer that, and he doesn't think Mr. Kirkland would appreciate him going on about the virtues of hard liquor to his little brother, either.

"Peter!  I've told you not to touch alcohol!  It's poison to a man's reason."  Speak of the devil.  Both Raivis and Peter take a good hard look at the rum in Arthur's hand, before looking at his face.  

"You're such a hypocrite, jerk-Arthur!" Peter shouts, pointing to the incriminating bottle.  Arthur is set to stuttering for a moment.

"Indeed, this is no way to properly teach children how to behave."  Raivis can't help but laugh at the way Arthur jumps when he realizes that Ivan's snuck up behind him.  He raises an eyebrow at Ivan when he gently slips the bottle out of the other man's hands and passes it off to Alfred.

"Oh, we playin' 'Keep the Rum Away from Artie' now?"  The older boy asks, happily taking a swig before passing the drink to Toris.  

"Da, so please keep it away from him as long as possible.  The person to give it to him loses," Ivan says, grinning like a shark.  

The "game" shouldn't make him want to laugh, and Ivan's behavior shouldn't make his heart go all aflutter, but all the same it does.

.005

Raivis is only half aware of what's going on in Ivan's apartment by the time the last few minutes of the old year roll around.  He's done a pretty good job of blocking out Arthur and Alfred's drunken singing (unfortunately he has a lot of practice in this area), and is so comfortable on Ivan's chest that he could just fall asleep.  The New Year isn't here quite yet though, so he struggles to keep himself just barely conscious.  But it's so hard when the soft thump-thump of Ivan's heart is right under his ear.  
    
He is very nearly gone into the world of the dreaming when Ivan whispers, "The countdown's starting."  Dazed and not exactly comprehending what's been said, he looks up to Ivan, only to bump noses with him.  He lets the little accident warm him, before he registers what was said to him and looks to the screen.  Less than ten seconds, nine, eight…

He looks to Ivan, intending to say Happy New Year, because that's what he stayed up to do, to celebrate the new year, but he's promptly cut off by the other's lips, and he thinks he likes it better than a few words.

.006

Raivis is very quick to leave the classroom when he's done with his algebra homework, worried that if he sticks around too long it'll look suspicious to Gilbert, who isn't actually as oblivious as Raivis would like to believe.  But for all that Raivis rushes out to minimize Gilbert's suspicions it's not enough to stop the older teen from tracking him down later in the day.  It's very impossible to avoid someone you share a dorm with.  

"So, what's up with you and the big bad Russian bear?"  Gilbert, having cornered him while leaving the dining hall, asks.  Raivis, stupidly, takes a moment to consider the comparison between Ivan and a bear.  Scary on the outside, but really just a big sunflower-loving teddy bear on the inside.  How appropriate.  

"No-no-nothing's up," Raivis replies, once he has his wits about him.  Gilbert makes a face of disbelief.  

"Kid, you hang around that guy willingly and often, and leave the school with him on weekends.  He's known for chewin' kids like you up and spittin' 'em out, but he treats ya like some sorta flower all the time.  There's something going on here, don't try to act like you don't know."  

"He-He's a family fr-friend.  I li-live with my cous-cousin over breaks an-and weekends.  They went, went to sc-school to-together and were friends.  He drives me home so, so that he can visit To-To-Toris."  The story is one he's rehearsed to the mirror a million times in case someone ever asked, but he stutters through it all the same.  His eyes bore holes into the worn carpeting, self-conscious and afraid, until suddenly Gilbert jerks his face up and makes him look right into his startling red eyes.  He's paralyzed, a rodent about to be eaten by an eagle.

"That's a great excuse kid, but you made the mistake of not lookin' me in the eyes," Gilbert says, and Raivis knows he's not really a scary person, but in that moment he's scared as ever.  And so instead of standing his ground, maintaining eye contact and insisting his story is the truth like he knows he needs to, he runs.  He runs until he's in his room with the door locked, knowing he's probably just made his situation that much worse.  

.007

Peter sees him before the rest of their lunch table does, and jumps up to pull him aside before he can get anywhere near it.  

"Raivis it's bad!  Both Ed and Gilbert know what's going on!"  Peter says, looking worried.  Somewhere along the way Peter had accepted that Ivan and Raivis have a "weird thing" going on (he refuses to call it a relationship) and that since it makes Raivis happy, he'd help keep it a secret.  Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like they'll need a secret-keeper so much as they'll need a lawyer, soon enough.

"Wha-what do you mean?"  Raivis knows what he means but he has to ask anyway.  

"The minute you left, Gilbert brought it up and Eduard was all "yeah, and this stuff too" and Liz was like, swoonin' and stuff, it was really weird—"

"So you, you're telling me that now our, our whole lunch table is talking a-about me?  An-and I—Mr. Braginski?"  Forget a lawyer, they need to skip town completely.

"Yeah, I guess he treats you real nice in class or something and they think it's weird.  Which it is, 'cause that jerk is scary."  

Raivis would reprimand Peter for calling Ivan a jerk and scary, but he calls all adults jerks and Raivis is too busy having a mental breakdown to care about the scary part.  Damnit, he knew he should've just stood his ground the other night, just lied boldly and outright!  If he could just be confident..!

"S-so it's be-because of, of how he treats m-me," Raivis says, sounding almost questioning.  If that's it, then maybe it isn't too late to stop the other students from speculating.

.008

Raivis wonders how he's going to talk Ivan into treating him like the rest of the students.  He is well aware that his boyfriend is the sort who finds it difficult to be harsh toward those he's accepted as close to him.  So should he be direct or try to work his way up to it…?  But if he tried to work up to asking, he'd end up stalling and that would get him nowhere fast.

'So it's direct then.'

"Ivan, I, I know this is going to seem really weird, b-but in, in school, I want you to-to be me-me-mean to me."  Ivan looks surprised but not confused about the statement.  Raivis wonders.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

"That's silly," Ivan says in a tone that says he'd like the conversation to end with that.  Raivis would rather continue.  

"No it's not!  Thi-this is your job!  I-I-I don't wanna get you fired!"  He doesn't want Ivan to have to leave.  He doesn't want to get Ivan into trouble.  He doesn't want to be the reason why he faces nasty rumors at work and a ruined reputation.  But he undoubtedly will be if things continue like this, and Ivan's making a face like he clearly doesn't want to be cooperative.    

"Please, I don't, don't want to get you into tro-trouble an-and I'll know you don't me-mean any of it!  Just… We've gotta be more, more careful.  Please?"  He makes Ivan look him the eyes, hopes that he can somehow transfer his desperation on the matter though touch.  Maybe Ivan just needs to be assured that Raivis will understand he's faking it if he's a little rougher on him in class?

"Please, they'll fire you or, or make you transfer to another, another school system if we, if we don't," Raivis pleads, wondering in a dark part of his mind if maybe that's what Ivan wants, to be sent away with to somewhere he can start off with a clean slate.  

The realization that they could be separated seems to ring true with Ivan though, as finally, finally he gets a response.  

"I… I don't know if I can."

It isn't really the response he wants, but it's better than nothing.

.009

"Why are you behaving so strangely?"  Raivis takes a minute to wonder how he should answer this.  Well, honesty is always the best policy… But he'd better try to play up his more endearing qualities, just in case Ivan gets angry.  

"Because it makes you mad."  He says, looking up at Ivan from where's he's taken up residence in his lap.  He rarely attempts to make himself look cute (and thereby less manly than he already does) but he tries to now.  "It makes you treat me differently.  That's good."

Ivan makes a complicated expression, one Raivis can't really decipher.  A few seconds later he recovers enough to smile and say, "Yes, well, I don't think you need to try quite so hard anymore.  I'll just remember what a brat you were this week and we'll be all set."

Ivan's smile makes him smile, and his smile makes Ivan kiss him, and that's one chain reaction he can really appreciate.

.010

Since the incident with the vodka Ivan has been incredibly careful with him, but even so sometimes they forget their circumstances (and Raivis is pretty sure Ivan was getting revenge for his behavior that week) and they do something dumb.  Sometimes Raivis just wants to look at Ivan and say "I'm a hormonal teenager, but what's your excuse?" However, he is pretty sure that would end in Ivan feeling a bit guiltier about their situation than he already does, and Raivis doesn't want that.  

Still, Raivis really hates wearing cover-up until the marks go away.  It seems that even when getting revenge Ivan is careful to only make love bites where they can be easily hidden, but Raivis still feels the need to cover up the ones on his collar bone.  Thank goodness Feliks gave him that compact.  He loves his cousin's boyfriend just a bit more for it.

When he got back to his dorm for the week it was empty, and it still is as Raivis makes his way out of the bathroom and to his dresser, the bottom drawer of which has been the hiding place for the compact.  He doesn't even want to know what Eduard would ask if he found Raivis with make-up.  

Which unfortunately, is exactly what he does when he comes into the room unannounced making Raivis jump in surprise and drop the compact.  Dread coils in the pit of his stomach at the compact rolls over to the other side of the room, where Eduard's standing ('It's like something out of a bad movie,' Raivis thinks) and his roommate picks it up.  

"This is… cover up?"  Eduard inspects the compact, opens it, closes it, and looks at Raivis with a most piercing, yet concerned, gaze.  

"Raivis, I think we need to have a talk."