Secrets: PT1

Secrets are Meant to be Spilled

Ivan side

.001

Ever since the incident with the vodka, Ivan has refused to have Raivis over his house alone.  He does not trust himself alone anymore, knowing that just a few too many drinks will make him a monster.  Often, he invites Toris over.  They get along fine, and it's good to get to know Raivis' family, but as they spend time together Ivan is realizing with increasing clarity that Toris is dangerously trusting.  That thought probably should have come to him sooner than it did.

"Mr. Braginski," Toris says quietly one afternoon, when Raivis has left the room to use the toilet, "I appreciate that you're trying to be responsible and gain my trust by having me over, but… I do trust you with him.  You don't need to go out of your way to invite me."

Ivan can't help but let a very confused, vaguely frustrated expression cross his face.  

"That is… very counter-intuitive, all things considered," Ivan says slowly, measured.  Toris laughs, a bit shaky but otherwise genuine.  

"I guess so.  But you've shown yourself to be a fairly responsible individual with him, so…" Ivan would correct that notion, but he's really not looking forward to prison.  

"So please, feel free to spend a weekend or two without me every now and then, okay?"  Toris says his expression reassuring.  Ivan just stares blankly for a moment before replying, "…Da."

.002

It's their first weekend alone in what feels like months, and his has been.  They are, in fact, near the onset of winter vacation, which explains the cheery decorations strewn about his living room, and the fake tree that stands between the two of them as they hang ornaments on it; Raivis decorated the bottom while Ivan covered the top.  They've been comfortably quiet for a few minutes now, the only sound being the little strain of "Silent Night" he's humming.  

Ivan is suddenly struck with the urge to speak when he realizes that even in this peace Raivis' hands are still shaking.  He wonders if such a question would ruin the amiable mood, but then comes to the conclusion that there certainly wouldn't be a better time to ask about it.    

"Little Raivis…"

"Hm?"  Raivis raises his head to look directly at Ivan and he's nearly knocked off his feet by the effect.  Being that, that cute should be criminal.

"I, uh, if it's not too personal to ask… Why do you always shake, even when you aren't nervous?"

Raivis' eyes widened at the question, and he quickly ducked his head, becoming unnecessarily concentrated on the task at hand.  

"Wh-when I was li-little, I was sick a-a-a lot.  I need, needed a lot of medi-medications… And when, when I stopped taking them, I-I started shaking… I started dr-drinking regularly when I real, realized it calmed me down and, and stopped the shaking… But, but it always comes back worse when I'm not… "

Oh, oh dear.   Ivan really wishes he hadn't asked now.  He murmurs a quick apology, and Raivis murmurs back not to worry about it, but the silence between them becomes heavier.  

.003

"Would you like to put the star on top?" Ivan asks, breaking the silence.  Raivis' first reaction is to look to the top of the tree, far out of reach, and then back to Ivan, with a flat expression that clearly asks if Ivan's trying to be an ass about his height or if he's just forgotten about his lack of vertical growth.

"I'm too short," he says bluntly, assuring Ivan that he has indeed interpreted the boy's expression correctly.  The taller man just sighs, a small grin stretching across his lips as he walks behind the boy and hugs him tightly about the waist.  

"Not for long, little Raivis," is all he says as he slips the tree's star into the boy's hands.   Raivis gives him a questioning look that quickly turns into one of surprise as Ivan lifts him up (lift from the knees, the knees),   and brings him up to the tree.  

Flushed and glowing with joy (glowing! Ivan swears it), Raivis gently places the star on the topmost branch of the tree, making sure it stands straight and proud.  He's blushing hard and smiling widely when Ivan lowers him back down to earth.  Ivan feels a bit silly when he realizes his heart skipped a few beats and he too, just might be blushing.  

"I-Ivan."

"Yes?"

"L-lift me up again?"

"Why?"  

"I can't kiss you from down here."

And who is he to deny such a great reason?

.004

Ivan cannot remember the last time he'd held a New Year's party in his own home, nor did he remember one in which he stayed particularly sober.  This is a pleasant change of pace, he feels, even though the gathering is small and the group sort of… strange.

"Kid, are you like, even old enough to drink?" Feliks asks A Certain American Who Should Not Be Allowed In His House or Fridge.   Alfred pouts over his shoulder at Feliks, then points to Raivis, who has lifted his self-inflicted ban on alcohol for the night and is being carefully monitored by Toris while Arthur stares on disapprovingly and lectures Peter on the evils of alcohol and underage drinking.  The rum he's got on hand sends a clear "do as I say, not as I do" message.   

"Rai is like, a total heavyweight though.  I bet the only thing you drink is like, that poor piss water you call beer.  Like, puh-leez, you can't handle Braginski's vodka."

Warm as the whole scene makes him on the inside, Ivan can't help but wonder just how this many people ended up deciding it would be a good idea to spend New Year's at his apartment.  

Oh, yes.  It was because Raivis wanted to spend New Year's with him, and Feliks insisted that Toris and he spend the night, as well.  The boy also has a standing tradition of celebrating with Peter, and so Peter dragged over Arthur, who couldn't bear to be without his boy toy for the evening, and so brought Alfred, whom Ivan harbors an unreasonable hate for.

"Hey!  I can so hold my liquor!  Better than Artie can, that's for sure."

"Like, everyone can hold their drinks better than he can."

Oi!  I'm right bleedin' 'ere you know!"

"Pft, you're like, totes sleeping on the couch for a week."

"Mm…yes, good idea."

"Artie!"

Ivan sighs and moves over to Raivis, relieving him of his drink and taking a generous sip for himself.  Much better.

.005     

"I seriously called it, dude.  Like, my gosh, they are totally trashed."  Ivan can't find it in himself to agree with Feliks more on this, as the troublesome drunkard couple sing along terribly off-key with whichever singer is performing in Time's Square.  Toris and Feliks are snuggling up together in the recliner, looking equal parts worried and entertained by the drunken spectacle.  Ivan, from his position lying on the long couch, tries to ignore it as Raivis catnaps on his chest.  Peter, the lucky boy, has passed out in the kitchen from the rum he took from a plastered Arthur.   

He couldn't be more grateful when the performances stop on the television screen and subsequently, the singing in his sitting room stops as well.  Ivan starts nudging Raivis back into full consciousness, hoping he's not so far gone that waking him up will make him violent.  He's not, so instead of a glare Ivan is greeted with two beautiful, cutely blinking amethyst eyes.  

"The countdown's starting," Ivan whispers in explanation, his nose rubbing the boy's in an Eskimo kiss when the younger lift's his head.  Raivis blushes and rubs the sleep out of his eyes before turning them to the screen, watching as the last seconds of the year are ticked away.  There's a large explosion of lights on the screen, Ivan's sure, but neither of them see it as they are terribly engrossed in their first kiss of the New Year.

.006

"Holy shit, you mean you come here willingly after school?"  Gilbert Beillschmidt.  Ivan's number one headache and currently the only student in the entire school to have managed getting detention on the first day back from vacation.  Usually Raivis doesn't come by when someone else has detention with Ivan, but to be fair, neither of them expected him to have anyone for detention on the first day back from vacation.

"Silence, Mr. Beillschmidt.  This is detention, after all?" Ivan's well aware that his voice is a thousand times more frightening than usual.  It is only fair that he be angry when Gilbert was the one who'd thrown a wrench in their evening plans.  

"Jesus Christ Galante, you've gotta have balls of fuckin' steel to hang around this guy willingly," Gilbert mutters and drops his head to his desk.  Tense silence reigns for a moment after that, until Raivis motions for Ivan to come over.  Ivan wonders what he could possibly need help with; Raivis was his best student and he hadn't even given homework today besides.  Ivan shakes his head when he sees what Raivis wants help with.  Algebra.  Of course.  Yao would give homework on the first day back.  

Quietly, Ivan helps Raivis through problem after problem.  Surprisingly, considering that Gilbert is in the room, there is no noise outside of the two of them.  It's quiet enough to forget that the albino is even there.

Which turns out to be a very bad thing.

.007

"You're slipping, Ivan," Arthur remarks to him over a pint of beer at a pub.  Somehow, they have become drinking buddies.  

"What do you mean?"  Ivan asks, his expression confused.

"Apparently, you were the topic of conversation at the boys' lunch table today.  Raivis wasn't there, he was down at the nurse's or something, and both Beillschmidt and Von Bock took the opportunity to voice their suspicions about your intentions for Raivis."

Eduard Von Bock.  Raivis' roommate and close friend.  Ivan knew he'd become a problem eventually.  

"Peter tried to run interference, or so he said, but both were rather convinced that your treatment of Raivis was curious at best and indicative of something positively illegal at worse."

Ivan swears under his breath for a good five minutes and downs his shot of vodka.  

"How'd you do it?"  Ivan asks after his drink is well and gone.  Back then, it seemed as if Arthur's only problem was Ivan.  How'd he do that?

"Well, to start with, we actually had a reason to meet during and after school.  I'm the advisor for the student council, remember?  And he was the president, though bullocks if I know how he got there.  It also helped that he was the one pursuing me and I'm naturally predisposed to be nasty toward anyone, romantic interest or not."

"So because you're a bastard, you got away with it."  If that's all it took, then Ivan really shouldn't be having this problem.  

"No, I treated him the same way I treated everyone else, for the most part, so I got away with it.  Do you treat Raivis differently, even in front of other students?"

"… Da, but he is a delicate student, any teacher would—"

"But you're Ivan Braginski! You've made a name for yourself by being the one teacher who wouldn't!  And then you get the student that anyone would assume would be running out of your room in tears at least once a week, and you've made him your class pet!  I can't even believe this is a problem for you, or all people," Arthur said, looking incredulous and exasperated at the same time.  The words hit him like a tidal wave and make Ivan realize he's going soft, and if he didn't toughen up again he was going to ruin everything.  

.008

"Ivan, I, I know this is going to seem really weird, b-but in, in school, I want you to-to be me-me-mean to me."  The statement comes as a surprise to Ivan, but he realizes that it probably shouldn't.  Raivis has likely heard from Peter the same story Ivan heard from Arthur.   

"That's silly," Ivan says, though he knows he should really consider it and try to be a little less kind in class.  

"No, it's not!  Thi-this is your job!  I-I-I don't wanna get you fired!"  Raivis looks so determined about this; Ivan can't help but stare with a bit of wonder.  He denies the statement all the same, because he just doesn't want to see the problems that are popping up around them.  He wants to go on as though nothing is wrong, as though no one has any suspicions and he'll never have to say a mean word to Raivis.  Because he's not like Arthur, who can say terrible things to the people he cares about because they all know he means the opposite.  Ivan has never been able to be intentionally mean or frightening to people he loves (intentionally being the key word).  

"Please, I don't, don't want to get you into tro-trouble an-and I'll know you don't me-mean any of it!  Just… We've gotta be more, more careful.  Please?"  Raivis has climbed into his lap, holding Ivan's face so that he'd have to look at Raivis and see the problem, and he doesn't want to but he has to.

"Please, they'll fire you or, or make you transfer to another, another school system if we, if we don't."

"I…"  Ivan wants to promise Raivis that everything will be alright, but, "I don't know if I can."

.009

Ivan must've given the wrong response last weekend or something, because Raivis has been avoiding him completely for an entire week.  He's even been petulant in class, barely answering in class and even then only with a challenging edge to his voice that was extremely unexpected.  

And then the weekend came and Raivis was completely back to normal again.  

It is honestly starting to annoy Ivan, a little.  Really, what is Raivis doing?  Ivan is too old to be getting played with like this by a little boy.  He isn't really coping well with the emotional whiplash.  

"Why are you behaving so strangely," Ivan asked in bewilderment after an exceptionally normal Friday evening together.   An exceptionally normal Friday evening that had been preceded by Ivan practically wanting to strangle Raivis during class. (He just seemed all the more intimidating because of it.  Not confused and angry and upset, just plain old intimidating.  He is very good at channeling his negative emotions into positive endeavors.)   

"Because it makes you mad."  A beat, in which Ivan sort of wants to throw Raivis out, "It makes you treat me differently.  That's good."

Ivan looks down at Raivis, whose head has just taken up residence in his lap.  The things this boy would do to keep them safe… Ivan feels like he's coming up short compared to the boy.  And it's a real feat to feel short when compared to Raivis.

"Yes, well, I don't think you need to try quite so hard anymore," Ivan says, his smile a mix of ire and relief, "I'll just remember what a brat you were this week and we'll be all set."

Raivis' responding smile is so cheeky Ivan just has to kiss him for it.

.010

"Goddamn you're a creeper, aren't ya?  I always knew there was somethin' off with you, ya commie fuck."  

"And you're too young to be drinking Arthur's gin.  Leave the adults alone and go play in the sandbox with the other children."

"Oh for the love of—"  Arthur lets out a troubled sigh, probably wondering how drunk he must've been to think it'd be a good idea to have Ivan and Alfred over together.  Very, very drunk, Ivan thinks.

"Artie, he's bemoaning his, his issues with lack of restraint concernin' his student.  His sixteen-year-old student!  You've gotta admit that's creepy!"  

Arthur, rather than taking his cue and agreeing with the American, made a face like he'd been sucker punched in the gut and dropped his head onto the table with a loud "thunk".   Ivan felt a similar urge, but settled for just burying his face in his hands.  Alfred just puzzles over their reactions.

"What"d I say?"